My Ologys of Late

gynecology
mammography
radiology
sonography
osteology
MRI scanning technology
tomography (CAT scan)
oncology
anesthesiology
surgery
pathology
radiation oncology
hematology
phlebotomy


and possibly psychology!!!

And all I want to get out of this whole experience is my health back and some insight into abidology...the study of abiding in God.

A friend or two have mentioned to me, even today, that they are happy to see that I seem to have a lot of peace. Well, how could I not with all of those ologys up there giving me their hard earned expert opinions about what is wrong or right with me and what I need in order to get better? To be honest, I could very easily have lost ALL of my peace after being pocked, prodded, diagnosed, cut and sliced by above said group if it wasn't for the fact that I am being prayed for by many wonderful loving people at the very same time.

There was one moment though that I started to break out of my peace bubble. It wasn't about cancer necessarily, but I let all of the other things pile on top and the bubble was compromised. So what did I do? I remembered the truth, that God loves me, that He has a plan for me and all the ones I love and pray for even if I can't see exactly what it is in every moment, that no matter what my emotions want to do, puling away from a position of faith is a miserable place to be, and I let Him fold my laundry, again.

This may all sound so simple, but I have not been this patient in the past. Like I said a long time ago, I let my emotions have too much say so in how things go, and it is difficult to wait, and believe. I prefer to run away before He "doesn't answer" rather than tough it out and take the risk. Faith is taking a risk isn't it... like the old example of getting on the back of the guy riding a unicycle on a tight rope between the top of two skyscrapers...that's faith.  I buck at faith. I run scared of faith. There have been times when I knew there was no other option so I did it, but if there seems to be any other way of perhaps just handling it on my own, I foolishly default to that. Absolute foolology every time.

I'm proud to say that this time I decided to stay put, and I got through it.  Some things unwrinkled themselves right away without any help from me. Some still need me to wait, and to pray in faith using God's word to direct my prayers and give them power. I have a lot to do when I wake up at 4am and can't move so I don't wake up Ben!

Speaking of Ben...how did I ever get a guy like him? Today I had many little appointments all wrapped up into one long event. One required taking three small viles of blood  as a baseline for my white blood cell count to help monitor its decline during chemo, and another for the genetic mutation test I am being given to see if I have that awful gene.  After all this time I still have to breath carefully and look the other way, "Little prick" she says, and I focus on breathing. With a rubber band cutting off all blood to my arm its no wonder that after about half an hour ( 3 minutes) of her trying, no blood of any significance came come out of my right, dominant hand.  Ben was sitting across the room waiting, but he could see that panic was starting to collect in my eyes, so he came and quickly grabbed my other hand and started an animated explanation of something I didn't care much about, but in the process he found a big, fat and beautiful vein inside my left elbow. As always, my hero.

I'm finding that abiding isn't so easy, but it is possible. I'm finding that it is something like learning to play the guitar, or make a good dinner...the possibilities for acquiring greater skill are limitless except for the limit I place on the whole process by my will to apply myself to the task.  You may think I over emphasize this one point. On my journey through life, it's just come to where there isn't any other point.

Nuts and bolts:

*My liver has a few collections of blood vessels attached, a mutation I have had from birth. I have an ugly liver basically but all is well.
* Chemo starts June 26, 4 treatments 3 weeks apart, feel bad for about half of that, and yes I lose all my hair.
*Radiation is absolutely necessary because I chose not to have a full mastectomy. A physicist helps my radiation oncologist figure out how to zap me without compromising my heart of lungs, as much as possible.
*The knit caps that volunteers have very kindly made for us to choose from just don't have my same taste in head coverings so I'm on my own.

Thank you for praying for me and for the meals and cards...I am overwhelmed by the attention.