Campfire Through the Trees

This morning I asked one of my sons, "How are you feeling about XYZ? Are you anxious, and how can I specifically pray for you?" Man answer, "I'm not going to waste my energy feeling anxious about something when it doesn't help get the job done." I know I gave birth but is he a different life form? I think inside of my emotions, I do inside of my emotions, I even breath emotionally.  This journey I'm on is all about emotions for me. Yes I know there are a few physical details to be bothered about, but how I feel about them are what I want to write about, not the nuts and bolts of cancer and doctor appointments.

I named this blog "Abiding" because that is where my journey really is. Dealing with the cancer is like I said before, just the next brick on the yellow brick road in my quest to abide in God. You may want me to explain what that means but I can't yet fully do that. The verses in John 15 mystify me, "Abide in Me and I in you, then you will bear much fruit." He later clarifies that obeying His commands is what it means to abide, and laying down your life for others is what it means to obey His commands, so abiding must mean sacrificially loving others.

I do know one thing though. I used to think that the fruit he was talking about meant "accomplishments, some kind of success, tangible things to rejoice in...in other words abide in Me and you will accomplish great things. I don't believe that anymore. In a parable Jesus told about servants being given talents (ancient money) to use to make a profit, Jesus said that the servant who buried his one talent and didn't use it at all was called wicked and punished with hellfire. That means he did not find salvation, which means conversely that making use your "talents" must be our means of salvation. Are we saved by using our giftedness, good works, abilities, sweat and tears? Absolutely not, and specifically so that we can boast in nothing at all God grants salvation only in terms of receiving gifts, not earning wages. Therefore, using my talents must really mean using my faith because I am certain that I am saved by faith alone.

Likewise, I don't believe that Jesus wants me to learn to abide in Him so that I can accomplish the fruit of "great things".  My pride wants to do that, but it stands to reason that the fruit He is looking for in me is the fruit of faith working itself out in love.  It's possible that life works done with greater amounts of love may become impressive to others, but just as true, fantastic accomplishments or sacrifices made in the absence of love mean absolutely nothing to God. He's looking for authenticity in places human eyes can't see. Scary.

I of course want to use my faith to become more like God in the way I love, to bear that fruit of abiding, but what I'm feeling I want more than anything is to abide in Him in so that I can hear His voice.  I really do mean this from the very depths of my tent,  so why do I often find myself just roasting marshmallows, singing kum-bi-yah, or being content with seeing only a glimmer of His campfire from far away in the trees?

The longer I know Him a growing desperation makes me want to do something dramatic like pull my tent stakes up and find a way to move on over to His campsite, hear his songs, eat His food, and hear His beautiful voice from around His own campfire.  I promise this is not a covert death wish because remember, we get much better than a tent on the other side. I'm certain He has heard my pitiful whine for a divine healing of my very limited hearing, and therefore I consider everything that happens to me now, difficult or not, to be a part of the answer.

The first sermon I heard following my diagnosis was called, "How to Hear the Voice of God for Yourself".  I almost laughed out loud! He was talking about  having the courage to  keep asking when you don't hear instead of giving up and feeling unloved, yikes. My house building friend wrote about hearing God in all the little things that easily go unnoticed in a day...difficult. So that's where my emotions are today as I wait for my surgery and all that follows.  My eyes are glued to the flames of His fire through the trees. I've stopped singing and eating for just a moment and here I am, hoping I can learn to listen.





PS- I didn't realize it but this blog keeps a running total of how many different users are checking in and there are now over 400 of you and almost 1,300 page views! I'm tempted to be less honest about my feelings because its a little intimidating, but then I might as well not write at all if I can't be real.  I'm writing to my far flung family, my sister friend far away, my sweet friends nearby who don't want to call and ask for details, so anyone else will just have to join as an adopted group of friends I simply haven't met yet and you're welcome.

(By the way, if you are in a nuts and bolts mood, I am looking at surgery next Wednesday the 15th at 1:30 pm., and chemo is scheduled to start a full month after that.)