My Ologys of Late

gynecology
mammography
radiology
sonography
osteology
MRI scanning technology
tomography (CAT scan)
oncology
anesthesiology
surgery
pathology
radiation oncology
hematology
phlebotomy


and possibly psychology!!!

And all I want to get out of this whole experience is my health back and some insight into abidology...the study of abiding in God.

A friend or two have mentioned to me, even today, that they are happy to see that I seem to have a lot of peace. Well, how could I not with all of those ologys up there giving me their hard earned expert opinions about what is wrong or right with me and what I need in order to get better? To be honest, I could very easily have lost ALL of my peace after being pocked, prodded, diagnosed, cut and sliced by above said group if it wasn't for the fact that I am being prayed for by many wonderful loving people at the very same time.

There was one moment though that I started to break out of my peace bubble. It wasn't about cancer necessarily, but I let all of the other things pile on top and the bubble was compromised. So what did I do? I remembered the truth, that God loves me, that He has a plan for me and all the ones I love and pray for even if I can't see exactly what it is in every moment, that no matter what my emotions want to do, puling away from a position of faith is a miserable place to be, and I let Him fold my laundry, again.

This may all sound so simple, but I have not been this patient in the past. Like I said a long time ago, I let my emotions have too much say so in how things go, and it is difficult to wait, and believe. I prefer to run away before He "doesn't answer" rather than tough it out and take the risk. Faith is taking a risk isn't it... like the old example of getting on the back of the guy riding a unicycle on a tight rope between the top of two skyscrapers...that's faith.  I buck at faith. I run scared of faith. There have been times when I knew there was no other option so I did it, but if there seems to be any other way of perhaps just handling it on my own, I foolishly default to that. Absolute foolology every time.

I'm proud to say that this time I decided to stay put, and I got through it.  Some things unwrinkled themselves right away without any help from me. Some still need me to wait, and to pray in faith using God's word to direct my prayers and give them power. I have a lot to do when I wake up at 4am and can't move so I don't wake up Ben!

Speaking of Ben...how did I ever get a guy like him? Today I had many little appointments all wrapped up into one long event. One required taking three small viles of blood  as a baseline for my white blood cell count to help monitor its decline during chemo, and another for the genetic mutation test I am being given to see if I have that awful gene.  After all this time I still have to breath carefully and look the other way, "Little prick" she says, and I focus on breathing. With a rubber band cutting off all blood to my arm its no wonder that after about half an hour ( 3 minutes) of her trying, no blood of any significance came come out of my right, dominant hand.  Ben was sitting across the room waiting, but he could see that panic was starting to collect in my eyes, so he came and quickly grabbed my other hand and started an animated explanation of something I didn't care much about, but in the process he found a big, fat and beautiful vein inside my left elbow. As always, my hero.

I'm finding that abiding isn't so easy, but it is possible. I'm finding that it is something like learning to play the guitar, or make a good dinner...the possibilities for acquiring greater skill are limitless except for the limit I place on the whole process by my will to apply myself to the task.  You may think I over emphasize this one point. On my journey through life, it's just come to where there isn't any other point.

Nuts and bolts:

*My liver has a few collections of blood vessels attached, a mutation I have had from birth. I have an ugly liver basically but all is well.
* Chemo starts June 26, 4 treatments 3 weeks apart, feel bad for about half of that, and yes I lose all my hair.
*Radiation is absolutely necessary because I chose not to have a full mastectomy. A physicist helps my radiation oncologist figure out how to zap me without compromising my heart of lungs, as much as possible.
*The knit caps that volunteers have very kindly made for us to choose from just don't have my same taste in head coverings so I'm on my own.

Thank you for praying for me and for the meals and cards...I am overwhelmed by the attention.

Thanks for 26-37

Thanksgiving list for Tuesday...

26. Tim and Mary Moore, mom and dad from Idaho and my constant companions these past 12 days

27. for a  couple married 52 years who still talk to each other with respect and affection

28.  small blue, roasted potatoes with carmelized onions...I'm going to call for recipe Jimmy!

29. chipped nail polish replaced with new and with flower designs

30.  the life glow that young people have without trying at all

31.  the joy of giving

32. sweet sweet pink grapefruit from a tree someone planted for you in love

33.  the real peace God gives even to those who are living their last few days on this earth

34.  the comical way a chicken waddles when you chase it off the porch

35.  an ornery cat who gives you a hug (climbs in your lap) from God when you need it most

36. that the house I live in is standing all in one piece and everything inside is in order

37. the hummingbird who likes the purple flowered bush I planted outside my bedroom window


Right now I'm abiding in Him by giving thanks when I don't feel thankful enough.  I'm also abiding in Him by letting him fold my laundry again, and waiting around long enough for it to happen.   I'm abiding in Him by meditating on His word this morning, copying it in my notebook, looking further for meaning and then talking to Him about it. I'm working at this abiding and I like it.

Holy Water

"He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water. "  John 7:38

Convalescence brought a little jar with a screw top lid filled with holy water to my bedside.  What does a protestant like me do now? Mom says she is sure it was blessed by the priest because sometimes the water jug in their vestibule will have a little warning sign which reads, "Not yet blessed", and she was sure to wait. A reading of this blessing in her missal assures me that all is well on the theological front, "May He by a secret admixture of His divine power render this water fruitful for the regeneration of men...let all unclean spirits depart, no power of the enemy prevail, and all diabolical deceit conquered." If power ignited by faith can inhabit water, I'm golden.

If nothing else, it made me think about this verse in John, the rivers of living water that should be available to all who believe in Jesus. The young men in the picture are Free Burma Rangers who navigate rivers, cliffs and thick jungle growth to bring life saving medical care, supplies and encouragement to IDPs being persecuted by the Burmese military.   They seem to have that river of living water flowing from their hearts. Here is their motto:

LOVE EACH OTHER. UNITE AND WORK FOR FREEDOM, JUSTICE, AND PEACE. FORGIVE AND DON'T HATE EACH OTHER. PRAY WITH FAITH, ACT WITH COURAGE, NEVER SURRENDER.

How does one change a screw top lid jar into a gushing river like the one these boys are navigating both physically and in their hearts? How can I get a flood of His Holy Spirit to saturate the dry ground of my heart ? How does one joyfully draw water from the deep wells of salvation?

When I was coming out of sedation after the second operation I had an experience unlike any other before. If you've ever been under you know that coming out of it is surreal. It's like you gain awareness of who you are and where you are in millimeters of coherence, and it is often not frightening, wonderful, or anything at all really except gradual like the focusing of a camera lens. But this time was different for me. I was suspended in a shredded no man's land. I realized that I could relax and wait for the world to be put back in order, or I could talk to God during the wait, which I did. My awareness of His presence was no different than it is at this very moment, but I my awareness of me was; I was simply a soul without a body.  You pray differently in that state...just soul stuff. I don't know how else to explain it but to say my prayers were as simple and unadorned as my soul was without a body. The depth of its realness made tears slip out of my eyes and slowly roll down my cheeks. Feeling them there finished the tethering of my soul back to my body, and then I could see the faintest silhouette of Ben walking across the room towards me.

God was there with me  in shredded world in just the same way He has always been with me since His fingers formed me in my mother's womb, and will be with me when my spirit and soul leave this tent.  I'm not sure I'm so happy to be back in the physical because every bit of surrendering Him to an awareness of the flesh feels like I am experiencing a granule of Hell, the place of His ultimate absolute and total absence.  The physical world is so loud and demanding. My body isn't well. People surround me. I'm hungry, tired,or worried about other people and their physical state. I just want rivers of living water to saturate the dryness of my heart. It seems like it will be harder to get that here with tent stakes driven into the dirt.

But maybe not. Jesus said I would abide in Him if I obey His commandments, and the greatest one is to love. Does choosing to love sacrificially in the flesh bring the flood rather than a small pot of living water to my heart? Instead of losing Him because of my ownership of this body, perhaps I surrender it and find Him in that obedience.  In fact, in shredded world although I was more empty of my body self, it didn't seem like there was any way to change anything because I didn't have a body to express the decisions of my will with! Maybe this is better after all because I can show the authenticity of my choice to love by what I do.

Either way, I'm contending for rivers of living water. In fact, I need it. Last night my dear friend left to go home after a wonderful day of talking. We laid our weary heads on our pillows to discuss some difficult things. My body ached in some places in strange ways, and then the phone rang unexpected in the late hour. Her shaking voice told us she had caused an accident but she was ok. Ben raced to get her, and I told the Lord I needed a river. Looking back I can kind of see it!  Everyone was perfectly safe, a last minute purchase of AAA got her towed 89 miles home for free, and rather than going to bed with troubles on our mind Ben and I were thinking about ways to tease her (when the time is right) about being an old lady driver.  Thank You Father for minute by minute living water, especially when the trials pile up! I'll take it by the river please. 

Coming up this week I will meet with the radiologist to discuss my radiation treatment, and then with the oncologist to hear the plan for chemotherapy.  Both will tell me the duration and particular cocktail I will get, so then I guess I will know everything. Other than that I am just taking it as easy as I can so that my wounds can heal well before chemo starts. Thanks to everyone for all of the meals, prayers and encouragements; where would I be without you all?? May we all be watered with holy water each day to meet our needs.

Psalm 104

10 He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
    it flows between the mountains.
11 They give water to all the beasts of the field;
    the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
12 The birds of the sky nest by the waters;
    they sing among the branches.
13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
    the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
    and plants for people to cultivate—
    bringing forth food from the earth:
15 wine that gladdens human hearts,
    oil to make their faces shine,
    and bread that sustains their hearts.
16 The trees of the Lord are well watered,
    the cedars of Lebanon that he planted
.

Kirsten

You know how some friends do a lot of shopping together, or walking, or wine tasting? Well, I've been getting to know my friend Kirsten a bit more since we became cancer buddies. It all started about 4 years ago when our boys who are now high school freshmen started playing lacrosse on the same team.  I knew Kirsten was a believer like me, and that she has a lot of fun with jewelry, make-up and everything that's pretty or girlie, and that she is very open and friendly. But I didn't really start to see her much outside of lacrosse season until this one that just ended. We were all focused on the extreme challenge she was going through with stage 4 colon cancer. All of the moms on our team plus a hundred others here and there wear the green Kirsten prayer bracelets made by the high schoolers at her church where she is a leader.  I used to think about her and wonder how it felt to have your life at risk in such a way, and I would worry about her, and wonder how her family could handle the stress of it all happening to their beloved Kirsten.

When I found out about my own journey with cancer she was already a month into chemotherapy.  I called her up after having told only my family and one or two close friends. "Kirsten, I have something to talk to you about. Are you free sometime tomorrow?" "Well, I've got back to back appointments except for 1/2 hour between this and that...can we talk now on the phone?" "No, I need to talk to you face to face." "Oh, (puzzled pause) well why don't you come on over now then?"

I couldn't figure out an easy way to say it, so I sat opposite her in her office, our seating arrangements flip flopped from the month previous when she had asked me to come for a few minutes after dropping my son off to hang out.  Following her into the house that night I was thinking team drama gossip?...not her style...did my son do something horrible I don't know about?...not likely... "I have stage 4 colon cancer "was like getting slapped in the face.  I couldn't think of an easy way to say it either. We just looked at each other without knowing quite how to process it all. Cancer is never expected, and then having a cancer buddy is even stranger still.  Why us? Why now? Why together?

There is something very beautiful and lovely about her story that she reminded me of at this visit the other day and I wanted to share it with my friends too.  Her's is stage 4 because it has spread from her colon to her liver and must be treated very aggressively.  Her team of doctors at UCSD labored over a plan to save her life.  The news for her was this. In her condition, 9 out of 10 patients will be told they cannot be cured of their cancer, only kept alive much longer than they would be without treatment. Well guess what? Kirsten just happens to one of those lucky 1 out of 10 who for numerous reasons unknown to me at this moment can be completely cured of the cancer with treatment.  She gets to live!  I wonder if she jumped up and yelled "halleluhjah!" right there, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

 In the picture you can see a black bag around her neck which is a machine that pumps small doses of chemo into her system through a port in her chest for two days every two weeks.  In her own words about cancer...

Cancer has a name--it is "malicious one"--my definition, but it has no nickname, no pet name from me.  It is not special and not intimate.  But I have to face it, and define it, and battle with it.    And yet, whatever the situation, whatever the battle-- I have Father God, the GREAT I AM, the Name above all Names....who created me, and named me.

Right after she left I thought about the ten lepers Jesus healed, and only one sought that relational connection with their Healer by coming back to look Him in the eyes and express thanks. Is that why she was chosen to be the special one in that group of ten? Would she have been the one with the thankful heart? This is of course my own little way of thinking, but the thoughts of the Father passed mine over long ago so we will not know the answer until we get to the other side. Either way, we rejoice for now!

So now you know Kirsten too and can pray for her when you think of me. And if you are in the praying mood, try Sherri who is having a major procedure done this Friday, or for Debbie in stage 4 who is fighting to live every day. Sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how my life changed so fast. It's Ok though because I too know that the great I AM created me and decided how my life would go even before I was out of the womb. I'm abiding in Him now.

Fear

If I only had cancer to think about I wonder how I would feel. It was dark this morning when I woke up from a troubling dream about some teenagers who looked like everyone else, but no one knew they were actually slaves. Maybe its because of what has been in the news, maybe because I have three teenagers, maybe because my heart hurts for young people who fall into dangerous traps. This mind would not settle down. I gave up at 2:45 and tried to avoid the creeks in the floor.

All of the things I have been worrying about seem like a wrinkly basket of animated laundry. Real laundry just sits there but my fears make a jumbled circuit around and around in my head.  Legs stretched out on the couch, bible resting under my hands beneath my chin, that's a good place I discovered this morning to get the laundry folded. Only the faint silhouette of hills show in the darkness out my window as a little orange light makes the folds of the piano glisten warm in front of me. One by one I take some of my abiding clothes out of the basket and hold them up. It's not the methodical ritual you might envision, but in the end its a completed work. Chaos becomes orderly. Wayward worries have their arms and legs neatly aligned and tucked underneath themselves and they sit calmly on top of each other in my head.  He folded each one as I gave it to Him.

But this isn't always how I take care of fear.  I'm all about abiding right now, not just to live on this earth but while I am here to learn how to abide in Him as He abides in me. The command to love sacrificially and unconditionally is in flashing lights in the forefront of my mind, I know that is a prerequisite to abiding. I'm more sensitive to my failures now and I cringe more often, "Father forgive me, help me to abide in You."

Perfect Love casts out fear. How does this happen? I would like to know as I have so many things to be afraid of and they wake me up.  How do I move my tent over to His campfire, closer, so I can hear His voice more clearly? I figure that reading His word, the bible, is a pretty good place to hear His voice, so I break out of the once a day usually routine and gasp, pick it up at unplanned times. And when fear comes in like a load of rocous, living unfolded laundry, instead of watching it spin I find a place like that place on the couch this morning and hold them up one by one.

So here is my challenge for today..."Molly, this is Dr. Imler with good news and bad news. The really great news is that your lymph nodes have tested clear. The frustrating news is that we did not get all of the tumor out and we need to go back in to take some more flesh. How about tomorrow?" I'm not joking. I have until 11pm to eat or drink, to the hospital at 8 am tomorrow, and 10 they get the rest.

I'm so glad He likes to fold laundry. Now that I'm learning to let Him do it a bit more I'm looking forward to handing the cancer and the next operation and worries A,B,C and D all over once again. Is there any mess He can't take under His control? I think not, and that gives me peace too.

Psalm 104

¹ Praise the Lord, my soul.

Lord my God, you are very great;
    you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

² The Lord wraps himself in light as with a garment;
    he stretches out the heavens like a tent
³     and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
    and rides on the wings of the wind.
⁴ He makes winds his messengers,^[a]
    flames of fire his servants.

⁵ He set the earth on its foundations;
    it can never be moved.
⁶ You covered it with the watery depths as with a garment;
    the waters stood above the mountains.
⁷ But at your rebuke the waters fled,
    at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;
⁸ they flowed over the mountains,
    they went down into the valleys,
    to the place you assigned for them.
⁹ You set a boundary they cannot cross;
    never again will they cover the earth.

¹⁰ He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
    it flows between the mountains.
¹¹ They give water to all the beasts of the field;
    the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
¹² The birds of the sky nest by the waters;
    they sing among the branches.
¹³ He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
    the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
¹⁴ He makes grass grow for the cattle,
    and plants for people to cultivate—
    bringing forth food from the earth:
¹⁵ wine that gladdens human hearts,
    oil to make their faces shine,
    and bread that sustains their hearts.
¹⁶ The trees of the Lord are well watered,
    the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
¹⁷ There the birds make their nests;
    the stork has its home in the junipers.
¹⁸ The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
    the crags are a refuge for the hyrax.

¹⁹ He made the moon to mark the seasons,
    and the sun knows when to go down.
²⁰ You bring darkness, it becomes night,
    and all the beasts of the forest prowl.
²¹ The lions roar for their prey
    and seek their food from God.
²² The sun rises, and they steal away;
    they return and lie down in their dens.
²³ Then people go out to their work,
    to their labor until evening.

²⁴ How many are your works, Lord!
    In wisdom you made them all;
    the earth is full of your creatures.
²⁵ There is the sea, vast and spacious,
    teeming with creatures beyond number—
    living things both large and small.
²⁶ There the ships go to and fro,
    and Leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

²⁷ All creatures look to you
    to give them their food at the proper time.
²⁸ When you give it to them,
    they gather it up;
when you open your hand,
    they are satisfied with good things.
²⁹ When you hide your face,
    they are terrified;
when you take away their breath,
    they die and return to the dust.
³⁰ When you send your Spirit,
    they are created,
    and you renew the face of the ground.

Surgery Day

Well here we go, off with a surgery! Everything went as well as could be hoped for yesterday and for that I am so thankful. If you like details I'll give you a window into a day having cancer removed from you breast. But first my son Tony said he missed the thanksgiving lists, so here is a short one for today:

1- for collard greens from my neighbor's garden...some for the turtles and more to juice for me; it doesn't get much better!

2- a husband who sets his alarm to keep pain meds on schedule

3- for the beautiful Sharp Out Patient Pavilion and their very kind staff

4- for a no make up allowed but good hair day yesterday (don't laugh you men out there)

5- that I threw up right into the barf bag when we were walking through the garage into the house


I was so afraid I would absentmindedly drink or eat something after 11 pm the night before, but had I taken even a sip of water they said they would have rescheduled the surgery. Its a little embarrassing how much I wanted it all to be over so I could just eat something.  First thing, a few shots of radioactive dye so they could follow the path of drainage in order to take out the primary draining lymph nodes under my arm. After a long wait I got my own little pre-op room with an easy chair, TV, and Ben. I held court there meeting the IV inserting nurse who had dreadlocks she had been growing for 12 years, don't get me started on hair,  the nurse who has you give permission and sign away responsibility quite a few times, a quick visit from Dr. Imler whose hands I grabbed and gave him the benediction "The Lord bless you and keep you" and the surprised smile on his face made me forget the last phrase momentarily, Maureen from the breast cancer care center who gave me a pink bag full of helpful pink things, and finally the anesthesiologist who always gets the last word.

A few reactions I had took me by surprise. First when Maureen pulled a purple heart shaped pillow out of her bag with the phrase "Because we care" printed on the side I started to cry. Ben was stuffing down a laugh at me and I was taken by surprise at my quivering lip!  Pondering it later, I think she and that pillow put a face on all of the emails, texts, phone calls,books, food, bath bombs, cards, meals and flowers showered on me lately, so really I was crying about all of you and all of the love and support.

Secondly, one of Ben's friends made plans to come over and pray with him after 1:30 and I heard them talk about leaving the hospital to get some lunch too. Back came the tears. "Why are you crying?" "I don't want you to leave the hospital. What happens if something bad happens and they need to talk to you right away?" "I'll be 5 minutes away and there are no DNR orders for you, don't worry!" But the tears keep coming, so guess which security blanket ate horrible hospital food for lunch, poor baby. It's nice when a guy knows when to stop trying the rational approach when squaring off with emotions he doesn't understand.

They walked me in my beautiful gown and no slip socks down the hall to the operating room where a few nurses in scrubs were moving about finishing up last minute details. My attention was caught by the enormous machinery and what looked like a dentist's tray of sharp tools on steroids waiting for Dr. Imler in the corner.  The table itself is the shape of a large cross with a thin pad and blankets on top.  I kept my focus away from the tool tray and up at the lights, answered their friendly questions about how I tore my ACL a few years ago, the mask came down and the world started to warble before I woke up in another room. Oh the joys of modern medicine.

And I guess that's about as exciting as it got.  It took me a little while to wake up, pull on some loose clothes and then we were off for home. The report was they found nothing new or unexpected, and tests are being run on the lymph nodes now to see if there is any cancer there. Other than that, I am comfortable on a half dose of vicaden with just a little dizzyness and soreness to bear.

I have a full month to recover, which coincides nicely with Tim's 18th birthday, graduation, and drive out to Texas for student orientation. I'm going to come back, donate my hair and start part two of a three point battle, the chemotherapy.  I can't tell you how much I feel lifted up by prayer. I will never take anything like that lightly again because I am experiencing the power of it. Thank you. God is good all the time!

PS- I also thought someone might be interested in the blog of my sweet friend Kirsten Loy who is very bravely fighting colon cancer, right now in the chemo phase.  Here is the link if interested:

http://www.kirstenloy.com/

Apoptosis

I was going to write tonight about my pre-op appointment but I didn't sleep long enough last night and almost fell out of my chair just now waking up from an unplanned nap. But now that I'm awake, I will say that it was short and to the point. I used to tell my kids to tell me one thing that happened in their day that was a good surprise, and mine today was that my friend Sharon called and said she wanted to come along for the appointment. Being a cancer survivor herself, she had her paper and pen ready to take notes and I think the surgeon was talking to her as much as to me. 

We had a quick bite to eat at C's Deli in Mira Mesa and then landed in the back end of Poway at Honey's house. You know, this whole experience has renewed my faith in the goodness of mankind. I never really doubted it, but I have been living more of a hermit lifestyle the past few years and this has pushed me back into civilization in a big way.  At Honey's house 6 other adorable women put brakes on their day and came over to pray...for me. Since I still feel good, it was like Christmas for the attention starved. 

I've learned something about cells that I find fascinating. Many or most, I don't now, have a predetermined life span, and when it is up they self destruct. They are given this suicidal directive to commit "apoptosis" by an enzyme I think, and this can also happen to the maimed and sick even if their time hasn't expired. Guess what cancer cells won't do? You're right, they won't self destruct.  Enzyme says, "Die now cell" and cancer says. "No way". 

Now don't laugh at me but I can't help but marvel at how that is a graphic picture of what I was reading in the bible today.  Isaiah 53:7

 He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet He did not open his mouth;
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so He did not open his mouth.

Basically unlike cancer, Jesus followed the Father and did what He was told. Since He is also the Omnipotent Creator of all we see and to the ends of the universe, that took a really humble heart...unlike cancer.  Cancer brings death but He obeyed in order to sustain and preserve life. 

I did think too that if He is my example, then accepting what the Father allows with this sheep-like attitude is what I should aspire to. I'm not saying that dying is always His great idea...like all the times Jesus healed the sick and raised the dead.

But when I refuse to listen to direction and when I fight against the command to apoptate in whatever form it is handed to me, then I start doing the work of a deadly cancer cell.  Rebellion seems to be one of just a few things that really get under the Father's skin. Being a parent myself I can relate.

By the way, since my theme through all of this is "Abiding", I was practicing abiding while I had an hour to wait by flipping through my bible and reading underlined verses here and there, but I didn't get much past this one.  I stopped and cried instead about how Jesus took the pain silently because He was supposed to, about how genuinely and passionately people really are about being helpful, for my friend whose husband is getting ready to go on to the other side...

No wonder I'm falling out of my chair...a big emotional day except for the trip to Costco, which by the way was a bit emotional when walking to my car I realized that it might be awhile before I do a big shopping trip there again.

Tomorrow I am going to look at wigs. That being said, tomorrow will also probably be a very good day to purposefully make another thanksgiving list.

Dead Woman Walking

Five more days until my surgery, and it feels something like Stephen Kings 1999 movie The Green Mile starring Tom Hanks. A guard in the death row wing of a prison meets an inmate unlike any other. John Coffy is a child- like giant of a man accused of killing two little girls, yet he is afraid to sleep without a night light and has a supernatural God given talent to breathe "death" out of others. The green mile is a line marked on the ground leading to the electric chair, and though it becomes evident to all of the guards and inmates that John was trying to heal the girls when he was apprehended, nothing can stop his walk down the green mile when the time comes.  It was the first time I heard the term "dead man walking", meaning the inmates were alive but sentenced to a certain appointed death.

I'm not afraid of having surgery, (been there done that already), but it bothers me having cancer in my body that I can feel. Apparently it has been there for quite a few years to have grown to the size it is, but now I know its name, and now it causes me some pain. Nothing that requires sympathy mind you, just a non stop reminder to me that until it comes out I am a dead woman walking.

Come to think of it though, we all are the walking dead. The biblical writer Paul put it this way, "The wages of sin is death..." If you are a parent you know what I mean when I say we were born with a death sentence based on what we are made of from birth. A memory burned into my memory is of my one year old daughter during our first major power struggle. For the second or third time, "No Julia don't put that rock in your mouth put it down!", a little slap on the top of her hand and then a few seconds later as another rock is slowly heading towards her mouth, eyes locked together, the rock gets licked and thrown over her shoulder and her eyes tell me "HA!". I knew then that I was in trouble.

I was 13 when someone explained God's perfection requirement. You see, there is no sin in heaven, so how could I possibly be a membership candidate if my presence there would ruin a pretty clean community track record?  Emotionally I was scrambling for an angle, and it was supplied to me that same night. Again Paul in the book of Romans chapter 6, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Let's go back to John Coffy to see what this means.

The guards set John down at a table, and on the other side a lawyer with a brief case. He opens a folder and places a piece of paper and a pen in front of John. "Basically John, Someone unknown to you has offered to walk the green mile in your place. The attorney general of the state of Missouri has deliberated and decided to accept the substitution if you are agreeable. Here is this Person's signature taking on your guilt, you must sign below His name that you relinquishing your guilt to Him,  and then He will be brought in to replace you here in the prison, ultimately replacing you on your day of execution."

God's own Son Jesus was that unknown Someone willing to step in for all of mankind.  The attorney general who would accept this substitution is actually the One who holds all authority, God Himself.  We all have the opportunity to sign on the dotted line, but you do have to pick up the pen.

On death row its not like you can do anything anymore to earn this mercy, and no one is expecting or asking you to try, just to believe in the unbelievable good fortune that has been freely given to you. That taking of the pen and signing is called repentance. We've all been in prison since we were formed in the womb,  shackled by imperfection from the get go.  I understood then that Heaven isn't about to let you or me ruin the unspeakable riches it has prepared for all of us, so I submitted to the divine plan, I repented on that day...I signed on the line.

In essence then I have lately been a dead woman walking only in the physical sense because I took care of the eternal a long time ago.  I want to stay here because I'm busy camping with people I love, yet I have no fear of going on to eternal life on the other side. In fact, it's a secret treasure I hold on to in my heart every day.

Including the next five when this journey of healing begins. I guess the hard part is that there are no guarantees here on the earth. God can give them sure because He has all power, but my doctors are just doing the best they can do. I think the important thing in all of this is to be ready for when life really begins on the forever side. Are you ready?

If this is something you would like to talk to me about I would really like to talk to you too. Understand that there will be a gap of time before I can get back to you, but I will begin to pray for you right away and figure out the other part while I am sitting around getting better.

Verses to look up if interested
Romans 5:6-8
Romans 6:23
John 3:16-18

Tim

What can I say? I am the proud mother of this amazing young man and I am dying inside when I think about how he will be 18 in one week and then we will be dropping him off at college in a few months. You never think the day will ACTUALLY get here, but it did. I know this sounds corny but I can still feel what it is like to hold him on my hip and kiss his then super round and soft cheek. He was always kind of a quiet one, but by no means unoccupied. We told him to consider his mind "busy" instead of bad because of all the times he had to put his head down on the desk in kindergaren. He didn't come back to school until 8th grade and I had a wonderful 8 years trying to keep that busy mind engaged, focused and learning.

Tonight I drove by San Pasqual HIgh School and I thought of what I do every time I drive by. Ben's mother went to be with the Lord 20 years ago, but the year before that she invited me to come see her in a karate competition in that gym. I didn't go because I didn't have the $10 needed for a ticket and I wasn't about to tell her that. Why have I been thinking about that for the past 20 years when I drive by that school?

It must be because you just don't get the moments back, period. That means that every day, every moment, every place you find yourself in has significance in some way. I'm not afraid right now, but I'm well aware that I have some very important things to take care of  and they can't wait or else they will gobble up moments I don't want lose. This puts me in an interesting frame of mind all day. It makes me face mortality head on in a way I never have before.  It's so cliche to say, "How will I spend the moments I have left on this earth?", but it actually feels different when you are where I am.

What I've always known , and still do, is that people are the most important priority, and the most important ones are those who are closest to you, your family. For me that means Ben is priority number one, and then the three cherubs. I've poured my life into spending time with them and I have not one regret in that regard. I have plenty of regrets about my inability to love them better than I have.  I want to pray for them more, exercise more patience, appreciate their uniqueness better,  and celebrate life with them more rather than just get it done.  I want to treasure the moments better.

Campfire Through the Trees

This morning I asked one of my sons, "How are you feeling about XYZ? Are you anxious, and how can I specifically pray for you?" Man answer, "I'm not going to waste my energy feeling anxious about something when it doesn't help get the job done." I know I gave birth but is he a different life form? I think inside of my emotions, I do inside of my emotions, I even breath emotionally.  This journey I'm on is all about emotions for me. Yes I know there are a few physical details to be bothered about, but how I feel about them are what I want to write about, not the nuts and bolts of cancer and doctor appointments.

I named this blog "Abiding" because that is where my journey really is. Dealing with the cancer is like I said before, just the next brick on the yellow brick road in my quest to abide in God. You may want me to explain what that means but I can't yet fully do that. The verses in John 15 mystify me, "Abide in Me and I in you, then you will bear much fruit." He later clarifies that obeying His commands is what it means to abide, and laying down your life for others is what it means to obey His commands, so abiding must mean sacrificially loving others.

I do know one thing though. I used to think that the fruit he was talking about meant "accomplishments, some kind of success, tangible things to rejoice in...in other words abide in Me and you will accomplish great things. I don't believe that anymore. In a parable Jesus told about servants being given talents (ancient money) to use to make a profit, Jesus said that the servant who buried his one talent and didn't use it at all was called wicked and punished with hellfire. That means he did not find salvation, which means conversely that making use your "talents" must be our means of salvation. Are we saved by using our giftedness, good works, abilities, sweat and tears? Absolutely not, and specifically so that we can boast in nothing at all God grants salvation only in terms of receiving gifts, not earning wages. Therefore, using my talents must really mean using my faith because I am certain that I am saved by faith alone.

Likewise, I don't believe that Jesus wants me to learn to abide in Him so that I can accomplish the fruit of "great things".  My pride wants to do that, but it stands to reason that the fruit He is looking for in me is the fruit of faith working itself out in love.  It's possible that life works done with greater amounts of love may become impressive to others, but just as true, fantastic accomplishments or sacrifices made in the absence of love mean absolutely nothing to God. He's looking for authenticity in places human eyes can't see. Scary.

I of course want to use my faith to become more like God in the way I love, to bear that fruit of abiding, but what I'm feeling I want more than anything is to abide in Him in so that I can hear His voice.  I really do mean this from the very depths of my tent,  so why do I often find myself just roasting marshmallows, singing kum-bi-yah, or being content with seeing only a glimmer of His campfire from far away in the trees?

The longer I know Him a growing desperation makes me want to do something dramatic like pull my tent stakes up and find a way to move on over to His campsite, hear his songs, eat His food, and hear His beautiful voice from around His own campfire.  I promise this is not a covert death wish because remember, we get much better than a tent on the other side. I'm certain He has heard my pitiful whine for a divine healing of my very limited hearing, and therefore I consider everything that happens to me now, difficult or not, to be a part of the answer.

The first sermon I heard following my diagnosis was called, "How to Hear the Voice of God for Yourself".  I almost laughed out loud! He was talking about  having the courage to  keep asking when you don't hear instead of giving up and feeling unloved, yikes. My house building friend wrote about hearing God in all the little things that easily go unnoticed in a day...difficult. So that's where my emotions are today as I wait for my surgery and all that follows.  My eyes are glued to the flames of His fire through the trees. I've stopped singing and eating for just a moment and here I am, hoping I can learn to listen.





PS- I didn't realize it but this blog keeps a running total of how many different users are checking in and there are now over 400 of you and almost 1,300 page views! I'm tempted to be less honest about my feelings because its a little intimidating, but then I might as well not write at all if I can't be real.  I'm writing to my far flung family, my sister friend far away, my sweet friends nearby who don't want to call and ask for details, so anyone else will just have to join as an adopted group of friends I simply haven't met yet and you're welcome.

(By the way, if you are in a nuts and bolts mood, I am looking at surgery next Wednesday the 15th at 1:30 pm., and chemo is scheduled to start a full month after that.)