( Couldn't find a picture this time that could say the right words. Let me know if you find one!)
A book came in the mail yesterday, and without it I don't know what I would have done with myself this weekend. Good thing I love books written by thoughtful, interesting people, and I can get lost in one completely. This was my yuck time but I'm not complaining, no way. In a round of chemo I seem to have only about 2 days like this and the rest are either coming clean of it or just fine. I have what I must call cancer lite, though I don't minimize in any way the impact that even a little bit of cancer can have on a body!
My brain is feeling a bit fuzzy around the edges. I'm not sure if its just me or the experience, but I'm anxious for it all to go away like you do waking up with a sore neck. Maybe that's why I haven't written anything for a longer stretch here...the thoughts and feelings hit a foggy bath beneath the surface and just float lazily along. My taste buds, hearing, and sight have also taken something of a temporary hit which contributes I'm sure to the feeling that I am in my own zone in a strange, hard to explain way. In the journey of life some things are just uphill more than others and this is just one of those more solo climbs I guess.
Unless, of course, you are my amazing friend Kirsten. The temptation to snap myself with a measuring stick is here even in sickness; she is off on a retreat with her youth group following round EIGHT of chemo, I am having my husband and kids bring me Naproxin with a glass of water here at the third hole. Must there always be someone who seems to be doing it better? You have to know my sense of humor to take that the way I meant it, but in all honesty, there is a lot of self evaluation going on. I can't help it, I have too much time laying horizontal looking up. Wouldn't you know it, that while some of my life perceptions are fading softly in a temporary reprieve, a sharpened, two-edged sword of self evaluation has shoved its way all the way up to the front, parting the way for a rarely seen view to the bottom of my soul.
I hesitate to continue lest I create a reputation for myself as the one who is always in angst about something. But right now I am and I wouldn't change the course for anything because like I said before, the minute I heard about the trial I would face I felt the strongest impression ever that God was in it. That is difficult for some to accept, but why shouldn't I suffer when there are those whose feet I am unworthy to wash who have endured an oceanful of suffering more than I ever will? Plus, there is always that small chance that I am not the only one who feels the way I do, and maybe honesty will provide enough inspiration to keep another traveler's feet moving in the same direction.
We're absorbing the book of Hebrews in church these days. Today, ..." though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered." Vehement cries and tears the writer of Hebrews tells us; My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? If I ever wondered if God loved me, which I have, no need to look any farther than the agony He caused His own son to embrace soundly for me, for us. The question I asked last time, "Does He love me?" is settled, its in print, it isn't ever going to be undone, ever, and the answer can be seen here in the agony of Son Jesus' soul. In truth, the only question that has any real, possible wiggle room is not "does He love me", but do I love Him in the way that He deserves?
I LOVE to be entertained, I LOVE bread with butter and apples, I LOVE having my husband's attention, but do I LOVE my Creator, really? There are some people who seem to exude love for God, and probably they are more generous with that gift even to His other offspring. They make me a little envious, no, not just a little. Love doesn't come that easy to me for whatever reason. That's why I think God in His never ending mercy paired me up with a very generous man who meets me more than half way to compensate for my lack of skill. Like the cushiony swivel chair I am sitting in right now. A few years ago he carried it down to my office from his own desk and has sat in a folding chair in front of his computer ever since. He has never mentioned it again, I don't think it registers in his mind at all, but I think about it every time I sit here or see him perched on the edge of his. I should think more about how he is only made in the image!
Why can't I just take the full jump? I'm prone to contemplate God, study God, write about God, analyze God, much more than I simply love God. Ok I'll be honest, I also hold grudges a lot longer than those loving types. I remember disappointments, I expect more, I'm more afraid. Yet somehow, I don't know why, it seems that I have not been disqualified from still trying. I'm taking longer to get where I wish I was, but at least they haven't started closing down the race while I'm still running, so I won't give up.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, this is the first and greatest commandment."
Maybe I need to forgive God. Doesn't that sound awful, as though He could be at fault, but I've wrongly thought He was. My incredibly self centered perception of how things have played themselves out may be the biggest dam of all. I'm pretty sure that showing honor, trusting the track record and proven character, believing the truth, these are all great things, but the one thing that really matters is the love. I'm certain He wants that from me more than all my correct thinking, though in times of such raw introspection I wish there was someone on this earth truly deserving of His incomprehensible patience and affection.
So that's what's percolating in my heart right now, with chemo for water and radiation for cream. I watch Jesus experience obedience in suffering, it gives me confidence that He is gong to put His hands together and hold my feet while I hitch up over roadblocks, that He will help me with the real thing starting with the first commandment. Maybe Someone took their arm and swept some things off the table so that all that really mattered would get my attention. Do you see it?
"O Send Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God. "
Psalm 43:3-4
Hebrews 5:7
Psalms 22:1
Matthew 22:36-37
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