I've done a few hard things today that I would like to share. One, I cooked vegetables and juiced them. What is it about vegetables that make them so much less appealing than, say bread, or anything made with grain? Bread is so easy to grab with one hand and smear some butter and honey on with a knife ready in the other. It holds its shape, chews delightfully and is great right away at room temperature. Its also really good with sweet flavors or savory, but I prefer the sweet. And then there are vegetables. They are hard rather than soft in your mouth and can deliver a pretty nasty taste if they aren't laboriously cleaned, chopped and cooked, which leaves dishes to wash and the cutting board too. So that fact that I cooked and juiced mine for the day earns me a pat on the back from myself for an obstacle overcome by discipline and effort.
I'm finding the same process at work with abiding. Too bad I can't write a blog about abiding which has so many posts and then poof, I'm there. But in a way I am because its becoming more real in the messy, unpresentable and extremely private rooms of my mind. From Sunday's sermon, "He cleanses my conscience from dead works to serve the living God..." (Hebrews 9:14) What's the right answer, A B or C... is He in A. space, in B. my accomplishments, or C. in my thoughts? Well, if he is cleansing my conscience so that I can serve the living God, then I know the answer and so do we all. Gee, talk about all inclusive, demanding, extremism! Can't I just sit nicely with a smile on my face at the right time and say the right things and get some credit there? My thoughts are unregulated, personal, my own. But if He is there...I'm accountable to the core.
That's why compliments fall on deaf ears to me, "But you don't know what goes on in my head!" Do I love first, do I extend grace first, do I cover over a multitude of sins first, do I humble myself and take the lower position first, do I always love first? No. If I do any of the above its because thankfully, it was the second thought and I went with it instead of my sin nature.
So back to today's challenge...you see, I scooted my tent over through the trees and I'm camped out at the right fire finally, but its not all marshmallows and kumbayah over here if you must know. I left my understanding stick buried in the ground at the old site and I'm feeling desperate to lean on it. Why does faith require me to believe what feels unbelievable? David and I are in sync sometimes.
"In God we boast all day long, and praise Your name forever. But You have cast us off and put us to shame, and You do not go out with our armies." Psalm 42:8-9
In other words, You are faithful but I'm sinking.
I'm not really sinking, but I am approaching little storms with my head cocked to one side, deep in thought about how to apply something new like faith to an old habit of doubt. In those verses of John 6 where Jesus is weeding out His followers with statements like, "He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in me and I in him (Has he lost you now?), the verb tense in the original language is apparently an ongoing one, "he who keeps on eating and drinking". I believed in the blood once and I was given eternal life. Now I keep on believing, right where I need faith the most. For that child, for that bill, for that emotional need, for that difficulty looming ahead, I guess I replace my negative, unbelieving and often unloving thoughts with my faith in the power of the blood.
What about when I am afraid my army has gone out into battle without His protection. Do I boast in His faithfulness then too? I've learned a lot about turning back and refusing to do that kind of faith boasting. It's not a great place to be if you have tasted the goodness of the Lord because you kind of leave Him back there when you walk away from it.
Today I've listened to what my mind is saying and I'm holding my thoughts accountable. I guess I never realized how closely entwined my faith and my thoughts are. Can I have fearful, doubt-filled thoughts and still practice faith? No, so they simply have to go. I'm washing my cutting board, I'm doing hard things, I'm boasting in Him over things I want to frown over instead. I'm abiding.
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