A New Name

(with a gift from the Poway Wrestlers and lots of hair)

Honestly, I'm not looking forward to what tomorrow brings. I should though because it brings a better prognosis for getting rid of everything that might have settled elsewhere but can't be seen. But the baby side of me doesn't want to have that stuff pumped into my veins, and then all of the subsequent strange and varied sensations it brings for a few days, and that is putting it very nicely.  They put me to sleep last time with a wonderful anti-nausea inserted into the drip tube and the only thing I really remember now is going there. Once again my sweet daughter will be my constant companion, along with one dear friend who will come and keep her company while I catch flies.  She told me today that last time there was quite an interesting young man sitting in the chair across from me who looked to be her same age. He ate a non stop banquet of sandwiches, cokes and chips while carrying on a spirited conversation with his parents as life/death was being inserted into his veins.  An admirable attitude; I'll look more carefully before I go to sleep this time!

I've had a rotten attitude these past few days, so bad that I have avoided people I can't help but be transparent with because they know me too well. Can I blame it on the exciting journey of chemo induced menopause that I am now on,  frustration about tomorrow, missing my husband who has had to work long hours, or all of the above? Perhaps, but I say this to spotlight the truth, that despite the many things it may seem that I am learning on this journey, I am most definitely a pilgrim in progress like anyone else.  There are some people who don't seem to struggle much with their faith, and its not so much that I doubt His realness, rather I question His decisions like a rebellious child. Can anyone relate?

I've been reading "Hind's Feet on High Places" again lately because I nice soul gave it as a gift. Synopsis, it's an allegory about the spiritual journey of a Christ follower. Her name is Much-Afraid and she lives in the Valley of Humiliation with her menacing relatives the Fearings who want to marry her off to her dreadful cousin Craven Fear.  Fortunately she has met the Good Shepherd from the High Places in the mountains and He promises to take her there to a place filled with the greatest of joys. She escapes her relatives despite her cousins Pride, Self-Pity and Bitterness who are sent to force her to stay. Oh, did I forget that the Shepherd chose two companions to be with her on the journey? I was expecting Love, Joy or Peace and forgot that they were actually two veiled sisters named Sorrow and Suffering!

“When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always find your enemies get an advantage over you.” 
― Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places

Where I am in the story now the road has turned away from the far away mountains and is taking her in the opposite direction into the Desert of Loneliness. I found her inner struggle with intense disappointment and discouragement over this turn in the road quite interesting. The Shepherd told her that many had traveled this very same road before her, and each one that got through to the other side became royalty.  Much-Afraid is constantly tormented by her cousins who mock her along the way in this valley, but despite her inner turmoil, in the end she makes the hard decision to trust the promises that the loving Shepherd has made to her, even with difficult companions all around. Does any of this sound familiar? It does to this rebellious child; I should make more such decisions when the going gets rough.

I was in such a foul mood yesterday when I went to get my blood drawn that I'm afraid that I was outright unkind to someone in the cancer club I am now a part of.  A very fit looking man about my age who was having blood drawn like me overheard me say the name of my oncologist. When I sat to wait my turn, he being the only other person there made the friendly gesture of mentioning that he had the same doctor. Was this a new pick up line? I said "Oh", and buried my nose in a magazine. It got uncomfortable. I started to feel bad just in case his motives were completely innocent, and what was I thinking anyhow sitting there looking like a sheik?  But it was too late to say something friendly like, "Oh he's your doctor too, I'm so sorry for what you are going through." The thought occured to me later how easy it is to be rotten to people when you feel that way yourself.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't mention earlier that on shave day I had them leave about 3/8 ths of an inch for a little suggestion of hair. Today all the fuzz started pouring down between my shirt and back, so I entreated my sweet daughter to go at it with a smooth razor and some shaving cream. Wow, it's REALLY like starting over now...like knitting a sweater and pulling it all apart when it's half way done, or going on a long, long journey and turning around long after the mid point because something crucial was forgotten at home, or dropping the freshly made lasagna on the floor...starting all over. I'm good with that. I happen to know that Much-Afraid is going to get a new name and good strong legs to replace her crippled ones when her journey is done.  I am going to do the same right?  Now I could call myself something like "Questions-Much" or "Trusts-Too-Little", but what it will be changed to when my journey is over? I really don't know yet, we'll have to wait and see.

“O Shepherd. You said you would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon High Places".

"Well", he answered "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use.” 

“The heart knoweth its own sorrow and there are times when, like David, it is comforting to think that our tears are put in a bottle and not one of them forgotten by the one who leads us in paths of sorrow.” 

― Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places