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http://justabiding.wordpress.com/2013/10/04/vegetables-and-other-things/

Vegetables and Other Things

I've done a few hard things today that I would like to share. One, I cooked vegetables and juiced them. What is it about vegetables that make them so much less appealing than, say bread, or anything made with grain? Bread is so easy to grab with one hand and smear some butter and honey on with a knife ready in the other. It holds its shape, chews delightfully and is great right away at room temperature. Its also really good with sweet flavors or savory, but I prefer the sweet. And then there are vegetables. They are hard rather than soft in your mouth and can deliver a pretty nasty taste if they aren't laboriously cleaned, chopped and cooked, which leaves dishes to wash and the cutting board too.  So that fact that I cooked and juiced mine for the day earns me a pat on the back from myself for an obstacle overcome by discipline and effort.

I'm finding the same process at work with abiding.  Too bad I can't write a blog about abiding which has so many posts and then poof, I'm there.  But in a way I am because its becoming more real in the messy, unpresentable and extremely private rooms of my mind. From Sunday's sermon, "He cleanses my conscience from dead works to serve the living God..." (Hebrews 9:14) What's the right answer, A B or C... is He in A. space, in B. my accomplishments, or C.  in my thoughts?  Well, if he is cleansing my conscience so that I can serve the living God, then I know the answer and so do we all. Gee, talk about all inclusive, demanding, extremism! Can't I just sit nicely with a smile on my face at the right time and say the right things and get some credit there? My thoughts are unregulated, personal, my own. But if He is there...I'm accountable to the core.

That's why compliments fall on deaf ears to me, "But you don't know what goes on in my head!" Do I love first, do I extend grace first, do I cover over a multitude of sins first, do I humble myself and take the lower position first, do I always love first? No. If I do any of the above its because thankfully, it was the second thought and I went with it instead of my sin nature.

So back to today's challenge...you see, I scooted my tent over through the trees and I'm camped out at the right fire finally, but its not all marshmallows and kumbayah over here if you must know.  I left my understanding stick buried in the ground at the old site and I'm feeling desperate to lean on it. Why does faith require me to believe what feels unbelievable?  David and I are in sync sometimes.

"In God we boast all day long, and praise Your name forever. But You have cast us off and put us to shame, and You do not go out with our armies."   Psalm 42:8-9

In other words, You are faithful but I'm sinking.

I'm not really sinking, but I am approaching little storms with my head cocked to one side, deep in thought about how to apply something new like faith to an old habit of doubt.  In those verses of John 6 where Jesus is weeding out His followers with statements like, "He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in me and I in him (Has he lost you now?),  the verb tense in the original language is apparently an ongoing one, "he who keeps on eating and drinking".  I believed in the blood once and I was given eternal life. Now I keep on believing, right where I need faith the most. For that child, for that bill, for that emotional need, for that difficulty looming ahead, I guess I replace my negative, unbelieving and often unloving thoughts with my faith in the power of the blood.

What about when I am afraid my army has gone out into battle without His protection. Do I boast in His faithfulness then too? I've learned a lot about turning back and refusing to do that kind of faith boasting. It's not a great place to be if you have tasted the goodness of the Lord because you kind of leave Him back there when you walk away from it.

Today I've listened to what my mind is saying and I'm holding my thoughts accountable.  I guess I never realized how closely entwined my faith and my thoughts are.  Can I have fearful, doubt-filled thoughts and still practice faith? No, so they simply have to go.  I'm washing my cutting board, I'm doing hard things, I'm boasting in Him over things I want to frown over instead. I'm abiding.

Approaching a Magnificent Throne

Last week while at work my friend Todd saw two men dressed in hare krishna orange with shaved heads coming down the walk towards his business.  They were stopping in at every business along the way and engaging anyone in sight with animated conversation. The bells on the door announced that is was his turn, so under his breath he prayed, "Lord give me a word for these two men!" As expected they came dancing in waving their arms and offering their literature for reading. "Just tell me how your religion deals with salvation,"  he said, which seemed to stop them in their tracks without an answer. "Would you like to hear about salvation through Jesus Christ?" Then he and young  his assistant watched in amazement as the man he spoke to seemed to fall backwards a few feet and began a fumbling exit. "I was born Catholic and look where it got me" were his last words, to which Todd answered quickly, "You weren't born anything!", but they were gone.They were in the garden again and Jesus simply said, "I AM".  The true God is amazing, and He is so close that He will be a part of daily life in so many ways, if we can only learn to live with Him.

"...when He had by Himself purged our sins, sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on High." Heb.1:3

I'm diving into an exposition on the book of Hebrews by Andrew Murray and I loved this thought about the verse above.

"The same share you have in Jesus on the cross, you have in Jesus on the throne." (The Holiest of All, pg. 45)

There is a great tendency in me, in us,  to know only the first part of Jesus' great work on our behalf, when in fact it is only the beginning. The second part is Jesus on the throne, where He is sitting with Majesty. Let's see, what would you do if you were snuggled up to Greatness and had His ear always? If someone you loved at that time was in desperate need, would you talk about some frivolous recreation or the weather? No! You would use your position to put that power to work where your heart loves the most. Would Jesus do any less? No, He talks constantly about His own, meaning we who trust Him.  Jesus is the privileged heir who gets everything, and He is the way that the Father communicates with us.  My friend got to experience first hand this power of God in his daily life when he received the word he asked for and watched its effect on the worshipers of a false god. This is a great example of living your life in God's life and God's life in you.

The way to abiding has been illuminated more for me in another way this week too. The writer of Hebrews begs us to have confidence in Jesus' privileged and powerful position so that we will come into that throne room of Almighty God unafraid. You see, the cross is outside the door, it got the sentries to open those big double doors for us and let us in. Now what? What do you do in the throne room? Have you stepped inside? I know I have taken timid steps, and in times of desperation I've been a bit more bold, but His Majesty on High wants us close by, to talk, to listen, yet getting myself all the way to that throne can be difficult. Abiding would be right up close in conversation at the throne rather than hiding behind pillars in the back, or wandering around in the foyer!

I've been a really good observer I have to say. For most who seek advice in this "abiding" malady , their antidote would be a prescription for God's word. "Read it daily and let God speak to you through it." I've been doing that for 35 years. I have definitely missed plenty of days, but for the most part it is a part of my daily routine, and I will say that it's guidance, conviction, and encouragement have navigated my life. But you see, as my author Murray points out and I whole heartedly agree, the black and white printed word is kind of like the prophets. They are words which are like a finger pointing us to the living Word,  the person of Jesus. (John 1)  We don't worship the prophets, rather we look where they are pointing. We likewise don't worship a document of wise sayings, stories, and rules set down God, rather we let those printed words point us to the living Word who is a person.  A relationship requires trust, and that is where I sometimes fall back.

In our journey as a Christ followers we go through many different stages, just as in a marriage if you can use that as an example in your own life. Things don't stay the same because life doesn't; it is constantly in motion.  Things feeding our "happiness appetite" are in constant flux. Sometimes these changes are good teachers, sometimes they bless our socks off, and sometimes they bring us down to the studs. That is where the last six or so years have been for me, a process of taking all the drywall off to fix what is in the walls. When I was told I had cancer I was shocked of course, but in another sense it was the logical next step for someone who had pretty much let go, and let go, and let go anyhow, to the point where letting go completely didn't seem too scary at all. But I don't really want to go home, I want to finish camping here with those I love, but trusting more too.

I feel like I have come to the end of one switchback on the trail and I'm now ready to head the other direction for something new, even though there are radiation and hormone therapy yet to come. I don't want to write about cancer anymore, rather I want to think of myself as graduated. From now on I will talk about abiding and what that journey looks like, where it leads me, how I do it, with the sole intention of inspiring another pilgrim if that is possible for me to do. Thanks to all who have been with me this whole time, keeping up and praying. I'm getting my strength back daily and hopeful about what is to come! May we bravely venture all the way to the magnificent throne where we can hear much better. May we know that strength that hearing His voice for ourselves gives. May we know Him more today than we did yesterday, and then even more tomorrow.

Bless you all dear friends!!

The Colors of Love

Visits, bouquets, hugs, and prayers...

a steady stream of encouragement and love...

delightful treats and lots of beautiful fruit....

the daily painting to enjoy from our balcony...

mom and dad after surgery(s)...

the two hour kale salad from my love...

books for my soul, dinner, calls, thoughtful gifts...

spoiled rotten at Disneyland with friends., a weekend cabin...

flowers, flowers, flowers...

weekend with Ben at the Blue Lantern in where we started this journey...

more food than the mind can fathom...

all quilted together in the colors of love.

This quilt made with love by my friend Jan made me think about the many colors of love that have come my way. I feel like I've graduated now that the last chemo is over and I am really getting my strength back starting yesterday and especially today! Is it possible that I am "out of the woods" as they say? I know I have radiation and then years of hormone therapy to think about, but I'm pretty sure they won't put me on my back like chemo did. and I feel like celebrating. I know my last few posts have been heavy. Consider them the last round of antibiotics, you know how the doctor has explained that if you take antibiotics for 10 days, the first 8 days kill the easy stuff and then the last two days are the most important because they get the generals, the command center, the Goliaths? I see that pattern with me too.

All along I knew this experience was allowed for a reason, and the reason was the most presenting need I felt in my heart, the need to be able to abide in God as He tells us to in John 15, something I have found myself  struggling to do without success for many years.  So what fast pitches have I been batting here at the end? Lord, do you love me? The answer was yes, look at all the colors of it! Do I love You? He made me say it out loud, with my mouth so that my ears could bear witness that I had done it.  Can You make ashes beautiful? The ashes are the many things in my heart which I have held on to, in retrospect, more stubbornly than I have held on to God Himself. That might be ok if we are talking about favorite sweaters, but when it comes to who we dedicate ourselves to, trust in and treasure, He becomes completely unreasonable. Take a look at how jealous He was over His chosen people in the old testament, a group I have been lovingly added to by no merit of my own.

So now I feel compelled to celebrate, to let my mourning be turned into dancing. I'm on my own in this celebration because just as no one can truly know your sorrows, they also cannot fully understand the full extent of your joy. Of course He does, so we celebrate together, God and I.  The banquet will be when I turn off the world around me and focus my heart on Him. The decorations have already been so generously donated as you can see in the pictures above, but they will also be the times when I choose faith instead of fear,  mercy over anger, or love over indifference, all for Him.  The abiding is an ongoing project...I have to come, I can't stay away, and when I'm there I can't cut and run when the going gets tough, or confusing, or downright displeasing to me. Paul said "keep yourself in the love of God" (Jude 21).  See that campfire going on over there through the trees?   I've committed again to join it, learn the songs, eat the food that is offered, love who is there, abide.

I guess in a nutshell, (which you can tell I rarely use as a container), cancer has eased me into the final leg of this journey of learning, the one where I've had to face acceptance square on. Maybe you would call that surrender.  It's kind of like giving up, but giving up in the good sense that its me that is going into that nutshell and letting Him alone outside just to be who He is without my constant input. Time walking in a life of faith meets plenty of challenges along the way, and if you're not careful, ashes from the fires can accumulate and weigh you down if they aren't taken care of properly, which happened to me. I'm excited to see what He can finally do without me and an accumulation of ashes.  Oh I'll be there, but now I know better than to sit in the driver's seat, or take that big chair at the front of the banquet hall, or grip the wheel that turns the ship. Today I've moved my tent closer to His campfire where it needs to be, celebrating the end of something old and the beginning of something new, and all the colors around me are love.

Beauty from Ashes

                                            by Caroline Anderson, residence heaven, ashes made beautiful

I was laying on the floor of our living room the other day when the strangest and most unpleasant smell hitched a ride on some air coming down from the flue in the chimney.  A quick check of the fireplace confirmed that cats do not necessarily prefer plastic bins with blue and white gravel to the delightfully private, dark, and softly cushioned floor of a fireplace which has not been cleaned of its ashes from winter past. I remember the logs we all took turns adding to the fire, dreaming next to its cheerful glow that we were in a cabin or it was snowing outside. I felt those logs in my hands, I even lugged some of them upstairs from the wood pile against the back fence. At that time the wood looked like part of a tree, although a dead one.  Go backwards a few more months and those chunks of wood were the trunk of a tree with life in its veins coursing from the roots, through the chunks I held and shooting up into the the beautiful green leaves and red blooms of spring flower at the very top.  I remember seeing a bird once or twice from Ben's office window sitting on the topmost branches, and there were ants and bees who used it for shelter as well. In fact, I think this was the tree we once tied one side of our volleyball net too during the July 4th picnic because the structure was so flimsey that it would start to fold when a ball hit the net dead on. Now what remained didn't look at all like a tree, or a branch, or a leaf...just fine, powdery grey cat litter which had be carefully removed with a small shovel and lots of white plastic trash bags to protect the hearth and rug just outside its tomb.

To me, ashes go beyond death.  A piece of firewood is dead but still a tree, while ashes go beyond that. Ashes leave absolutely no hope for reanimation, no hope for anything at all. This is probably why throughout history those feeling the depths of despair have instinctively thrown them over their heads in mourning, as if this residue of fire might be able to help express the hopelessness of a tormented heart in a way that words and cries from the vocal cords cannot fully express. We don't happen to use ashes that way where I live, but I'm afraid we still find ourselves with the same heart condition which inspired others to do this. Does anyone need to be reminded that there is suffering in the world no matter who you are or where you live? On a very personal level what we face may not measure up to the intensity of suffering we imagine others are feeling in very desperate situations or losses, but no one can know the measure of a man's suffering except the man himself. Like I said, we are none of us exempt.

These ashes in my fireplace came to mind again when I was having one of those bald headed, "I've given up trying to hide anything from You" kind of conversations with God, He who I try to see with my heart since I can't see with my eyes.  I sensed the presence of ashes. "Lord what can you do with ashes?"  I could never explain my ashes to you nor would I attempt to, but for the sake of sharing, all I am trying to say is that if I have them maybe you have some too.  What seems impossible?  What cul-de-sac has you trapped? What is so broken it seems as though it could never be redeemed? Do you feel that way about yourself or about dreams or expectations or desires that seem burned beyond recognition?

The heavens do declare the glory of God and his creation also inspires me to praise when I see a reflection of His nature in it, and it shows me that ashes are not the end. They slit the throat, blood fell, and sins are forgiven. The body is burned to ashes and the ashes are mixed with pure water to make a water of purification. That was in the temple at Jerusalem, but did you know that pioneers on this continent used those same ingredients to make soap?  Pure rain water washed repeatedly over ashes makes lye, which mixed with fat and cured hardens into soap  Priests were commanded by Moses to use ashes for ceremonial cleaning, housewives labored with it to create an agent for cleaning their families' bodies and clothes,  so what will I do with mine? Being made in God's image, I have the dignity of being given a choice. I make no claim here to be good at choosing, but I see the options. Lye not made into soap is toxic, it can burn your skin on contact and will kill you if you ingest it.  I think its the same with ashes...let them clean you or suffer their wrath.

The problem I have often faced is that being cleaned by ashes doesn't sound like something I want to do. I never wanted them to be there in the first place and now I just want to hate them and forget they are there at all. I fact, I'm angry that the fire was allowed to burn, and where was He anyhow at the walking through?  That my friend is the most dangerous place to be, when I have to face what to do with the ashes. At the moment I feel woefully unqualified to comment with any sense that I can provide leadership by example. My fires have been so small, comparatively. But I guess all I can do is share what I have, and that is at least a little experience with some ashes and the strong conviction from having got it wrong myself, that ashes can make you clean. I'm forgiven I know, but there is that gap of the flesh that taunts me.  Do you want to be more holy? Do you want to know God by doing what is well pleasing in His sight?  I would do away with  that gap not between heaven and hell but between close and far, intimate or simply acquainted, the distance my sinful nature keeps between God and me.

This last part here scares me because I feel that I have set myself up to tie it all together and it seems like too much, knowing myself. So lets stick with some things that are unchanging, like His words which were compiled on this theme by my friend Charles:


"When thou passeth through the waters, I will be with thee, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." Are you pressed with labors and afflictions? "As thy days so shall thy strength be," "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to his purpose." Are you persecuted? Here is a note of encouragement for you: "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad; for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." Whatever your circumstances are, "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice." 

I'm pretty good lately at a prayer of surrender if nothing else, so here is one if you want to follow along...

Lord, these ashes seem to me too strong and too big for me to handle. I have tried but it is so evident that I have failed in my own strength the do this without You. But I struggle to trust because I am afraid You will not help me. But then what hope is there anywhere at all if You are not faithful? Please forgive me for thinking that my thoughts are better than Yours, or my ways better than Your ways. I wish it had never been, or that the struggle wasn't so hard, and I'm afraid that I can't change, but then again, Your word says that with You all things are possible so it must be true. I don't want to, and I can't carry this burden on my own, so please take it, and protect me, and help me when I need You, and give me the measure of faith that is needed for it so that I am not overwhelmed again. I'm going to trust You even when I feel like You are not there, or that You've left me to my own troubles...because I do believe that You are good, and a rewarder of those who diligently seek You. May my seeking be with a more humble heart. Help me accept what You allow and please help me to fight for what I should with a believing heart and no longer one that is only afraid and full of doubts.*

I do believe my friends that He gives beauty for ashes. In nature there may not be any greater miracle shown than this, how after a forest fire the heat has released so many nutrients from the dying pants and trees that the ashes become fertilizer for the new, cleaner and safer forest that grows in the ruins of the old.  Can't we trust the Creator of this universe more than we do? If He created the expanse of the moon, planets and stars in every solar system, and the beauty and complexity of life on earth, then lovingly suffered the cruelty of the cross for His mankind creation, maybe He can and will make something beautiful out of our ashes too.

This has been a great time in my life to practice what I preach, although I feel so carried by prayer that it has not been the most difficult season at all. I did have my last infusion last Wednesday and as expected the weekend took the brunt of it. I'm finding now that activity makes me pay later, so today I am relaxing in the luxury of an empty, air conditioned house and feeling pretty good. I'll take three weeks off to recover and then we'll start radiation at the end of the month and I am going to try to go back to work too. Part of me would be happy to repeat my many irritating and frustrating physical symptoms, but I'd rather do a thanks list.

Thank You Lord for friends, and hugs, and meals, and prayers, and encouragements, and quilts, and phone calls, and flowers,  and jewelry,  and feet rubs (Laurel), leg and back rubs (Ben) and books. Mary Poppins was right, a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down much better so thanks for all the sugar you sweet people!  I know He is using you to help Him make things beautiful.

* "Beauty for Ashes" sermon #1016 C.H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle

Hope That Does Not Disappoint

I'm going to get dressed in about 40 minutes to get ready for my ride to infusion # 4,  the grand finale for chemo Lord willing! Its been something of a moderate Disneyland ride, not a wild one but enough to throw me around and one I am ready to exit from 'to the right" as they say. Today is all about cravings, I am realizing how daily life is full of them.  When life is swirling, as it is, and even when it is much more still, I'm always looking for an emotional exit from negative thoughts to peace, from anxiety to joy, from fear to comfort...sound familiar? I like being happy, no I LOVE to be filled with joy and peace, a craving we all share I know it. If you have a sugar craving, its like the balance you feel once the chocolate is going down the hatch. If you have a person craving, its like that phone call, or awareness of being chosen, singled out, adored by the object of your desire. A thing craving might be satisfied by that new car smell, or the number in the account, or the treasure found and brought safely home. Make my cup full! Fill my cravings for joy!

Suffering, I have concluded, is something like a hole burrowed in the bottom of the joy cup. It deprives us of access to things we crave so that our joy cup can be filled, that sigh of contentment we seek. Right now I want to have my hair back and quit being the cancer patient in public, and my eyebrow and lashes would be great too. I want to run and not be wearied by the concrete that fills my legs after 30 seconds. I want to walk and not feel faint until the usual time, which is way later than the present one. I don't want anyone to have to worry about how I am doing, as sweet as it is now,  I want the joy of giving not taking, I want to pursue my goals, stop feeling bloated, etc. etc. etc.  My suffering, as small as it really is, is the absence of my ability to satisfy my cravings for things that make me feel good.

Hope Chassen  8/18/2013

This time of sickness has made me think a lot about hope, meaning what we decide will bring that joy to our lives, which makes us pursue them and depend on them, resting our hope in their ability to give us joy. My thoughts this way have been sharpened even more so since she died yesterday. It was one of those days you never forget, and because she was a pet you feel a little stupid for weeping, but you do anyhow. Hope cat came into our lives when one of our kids got sick and had to stay home for quite awhile last year. She was a true God send, a constant companion, curious observer, follower, purrer estrodinaire, and finally a mother. I thought her impacted  milk duct would loosen up by the onslaught of nursing she provided constantly to seven, and then only five, robust mini Hopes. By the time a vet had something to say about it, it was too late. She crawled away from our hot compresses and hovering, and at four am yesterday morning Ben and I both woke up and wondered if we would find her alive. There she was at our door, so we pet her all the way through her final labored breathing, and into heaven only a few minutes later. Shocked and grieved we both began to cry, for her but mostly for our child who loved her like a wild craving. We thought Hope would be a part of our lives for years to come.

(I have to run now and get ready but I will finish when I get home from the hospital!)

I'm back now. Hope and her passing have made me ponder where I have set my hope, and how transient everything is, like a beloved pet.  We all hope that people first of all can make us happy, but no one is perfect and everyone leaves us at a some point in one way or another! I hope in the joy that feeling healthy and strong gives me, but that is vulnerable indeed. I hope in the joy that my children reaching my goals for them will bring, if only I had control over it all! I hope that life will go the way I plan it, and I expect that to bring me great joy...if it would only follow my plans more. I think we are so vulnerable to the things we hope for. When they shine we smile, but when the clouds come in we're left with a joy cup half full, or even empty, and then we are suffering.  Suffering comes when we are robbed of the things we hope in to bring us joy.

So I'm thrilled to say that God promises us a hope that does not disappoint!

" Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." 

Romans 5:3-5


Suffering will pull back the coverings of your heart and expose what you hope in, which makes trials a teacher of sorts about the heart. Every tear falls from a hope longing to be refilled again while it is being emptied. I guess I can be thankful that cancer has peeled back the outer layer of my heart and made me face more clearly what I depend on, and how fully do I depend on Him or not?

If my sins are forgiven I now hold the hope of eternal life, and no one can change that.  As for the here and now, He promises that if we will trust Him in our tribulations and look to Him for love and strength to carry us through, the result will be the growth of a proven character, and that proven character will in turn provide the hope that does not disappoint.  Food, friends, success, health, beauty, power, riches, all will be compromised in some way and eventually fail to fill our joy cup, but this hope will not, the one that does not disappoint.

When we pursue Him in the good times and the bad, our hope becomes more and more attached to Him and not the transient things around us.  He gave us all good things to enjoy, but learning to love and trust Him brings hope that never disappoints. He won't fall out of love, or my investment in Him won't change with the economy, or make me fat and sick, or go through a transitional crisis and stop calling for a long time.  He alone is steady and unchanging, called the Rock of the Ages, the same yesterday, today and forever, and His love never fails.

To the degree that I do hope in the One who never disappoints, I have found strength in time of need, and often it has been through the people who are sent my way! I had to take a valium for some intense shoulder pain during the infusion today, of all things, and then the anti-nausia meds are making me sleepy now.  But getting dinner is no worry as my adorable friends Jimmy and Mehelle Johnson brought over some awesome looking bar-b-qued chicken salad with a huge tray of blueberries and strawberries for dessert. My cup is certainly filling up with a delightful, (though temporary) joy!!

And...
- for all of the reminders sent my way of promised prayers for today
- to Karla and Diana for helping me bury Hope and then feeding the kittens today while Julia and I were busy
-  for dinner last night with booty camp girls to remind me that there is something to celebrate in all of this (last one!)
-for the sweet cards and texts that keep coming
- for all the meals lined up next week for my yuck time,
-to Sharon for the ride there this morning
-to my adorable hero husband who left work to sit with me and take me home

 Thank you Lord for Your promise of a hope that will not disappoint. Thank you for this little school of suffering that exposes my heart so that I can learn to do it better.

Romans 5:2-5